An Onion-Scented Season of Singleness

Things with NP and I didn't work out, which I thought I shared but I suppose I didn't.

Around thee end of January was when whatever we had fizzled out, and since then I have been single. There have been a few interests here and there, but for the most part I've just been in a season of singleness, and God is working on a few things.

I have come to the conclusion that this season of my life is like an onion. Every week I feel there is a new layer being peeled back. I declared my singleness to have officially started, ironically, on February 14th, when my main "prospect" (rebound from NP) and I pretty much determined that the prospect was not going anywhere. At this time, I was seeing a counselor who was convinced that I was like Tigger, bouncing around from one relationship to the next. Every week after NP and I ended things, she'd ask me if I was still "clean". I roll my eyes now, but at the time I needed to think of it as an addiction so I would just quit.

The first layer that God peeled back was labeled Being Alone. I feel that this is different from loneliness. Someone who is going through a season of singleness is lonely, point blank. However he or she experiences it, it's still loneliness, because God designed us to experience companionship, so being alone is lonely. Now some of us have been called to live in singleness, and I feel that that can be just as fulfilling as being in a relationship, however you still experience loneliness. Being alone, however, is that feeling of getting off work and realizing that you're going home to cats. You don't have anyone waiting to have dinner with you. You don't have a person to cuddle with on the couch and watch TV with... Just cats. You're alone. For me, it wasn't about talking. It wasn't about being intimate. It was just about having another human body in the apartment. That was a hard week because I was getting home at different times in the day and just sitting there in my apartment and crying.

A few weeks of that passed and I finally became comfortable. I started praying more, finding things that I enjoyed doing around my apartment, crafting a bit, and even talking on the phone with some girlfriends at night to fill the silence. But probably the most important thing (besides praying) that helped was going to sleep at a decent hour. I'm always up too late, sleeping in too late, and just feeling really groggy. Now that I'm single and experiencing a lot of time alone in my apartment, I actually go to sleep at a decent hour. Which means that I get a lot of sleep and wake up at a decent hour, and actually get STUFF DONE in the mornings. It's so cool!

The second layer that God has peeled back and that I am still in currently is the feeling that I am Not Desirable. I got to a point where I was okay coming home to a quiet apartment and doing productive things instead of worrying about how lonely I was. But over the past few weeks I have experienced an immense desire to just talk to someone. To have someone who thinks I'm pretty. To have someone who cares about my day.

In the past few weeks a few prospects have popped up, and I realized that I was starting to rely on them to make me feel desirable. Why didn't he compliment me today? Why I haven't I heard from him? If I were skinnier he would be texting me. If I didn't have this crazy huge nose he would make more of an effort. If I were blonde he would have shown. All of these thoughts and more have flooded my head, and I realized the other day that even if I DID have a boyfriend who was awesome and Godly, he wouldn't be perfect. He would not be able to fulfill every little need I have to feel desirable. You know who's job that is? God's. Do you know who's job it is to believe that I am beautiful and desirable? Me. This is MY problem.

I know these are just two layers, but I am expecting to experience quite a few more layers as God peels back all of the things that are keeping me from truly trusting Him and depending on Him. I shouldn't need a man's approval. I shouldn't need someone being interested in me to make me feel like I am desirable and beautiful. Being desirable and beautiful should be based on the fact that God made me in His image.