The Caliber of a Man

Recently I was at an event and saw a married man checking out my best friend. In the span of 5 minutes, I counted over 10 times that he looked her way, despite the fact that his wife was standing right beside him. Because I know this family and I know that this particular man is not really the best quality, I didn’t cause a big fuss… But it did get under my skin.

I’m never going to get married, I thought. Men are scum. They pretend to love you and then just look for the next best thing.

I was in a blossoming relationship with NP (still blossoming), and I remember wondering if he would ever do that, if he would ever become a man who no longer thought that the love of his life was not so amazing… And turn his eyes to someone else. At one point does that shift over? At one point does the man stop caring about impressing the woman he’s chasing, and stops… and settles in to a drunken stupor?

For some reason, however, I couldn’t imagine NP ever eyeing another woman… Especially when he had a ring on his finger and a vow on his heart. You see, there are different calibers of men. There are the men who end up getting married to a woman who is blinded by lust, or just by naivety that somehow he will grow out of it… OR maybe she doesn’t even realize it. Maybe she herself needs a little bit of work and doesn’t think that she’s in a place to judge.

Either way, he’s ill prepared for a commitment. He’s the type of man who doesn’t value the promise of a lifetime. The promise that he will always love the woman standing in front of him, and the promise that he will always do everything in his power to show her that he loves her. The chase doesn’t end at the altar, fellas. That’s when the chase goes up-hill.

NP, and thousands of other men, are of a different caliber. Many of them are completely in love with God. They desire to make God the focus of their life and the focus of their relationship and marriage. Will things always be perfect? No. Will things always be pure and beautiful and godly? No. Things will get messy. Lines will blur. Temptation will take over. Sometimes, the enemy wins. But, that doesn’t mean it’s a losing battle. It means there is a battle with two imperfect people trying to fervently love a perfect God. Stop making excuses. Your guy is out there… Just WAIT.

I am, in no way, saying that NP is my guy. It’s just been over three weeks. I’ve passed the “three week curse” that my family has dubbed as the death of many of my almost-relationships. But, we passed that curse by the skin of our teeth.

Something interesting that has happened with NP, however, is that in the midst of temptation, we decided to re-evaluate our boundaries and start reading Wild At Heart together. Ladies, have you ever heard the phrase that says that if you follow after God and God desires for you to be with someone, then in your pursuit you will find yourself walking alongside a godly man? Or, something to that extent. Well, I always WANTED that to happen, but I never really thought it would. Being 24 years old, there aren’t a lot of men who are single without children and desiring to have a God-centered relationship. I mean, let’s get real. A lot of men who are nearing the age of 30 have at LEAST one kid, a failed marriage, and/or a serious mental illness…. Or their “rose-colored” glasses have come off and they no longer see the value in maintaining physical purity. No matter the situation, dating only gets more difficult—but there is a happy ending! Anyway, as I was saying… I found myself at a point in my life where I was trying to focus on God, stop settling for men who weren’t worth my time, and figure my life out. I met NP. After seeing him a few times, I went to his place for dinner. And what did I see? A copy of Wild At Heart laying around. He later told me that he listens to it on audio while he drives to different games. Since we have decided to read it together, I have had to catch up to where he is in the book. (I had finished chapter one about a year ago). Today as I was reading a little bit in it, I realized that for the FIRST time, instead of trying to get a man to come up to my level spiritually, I was being challenged to meet NP where he was.

Again… I’m not saying that NP is MY guy… But I’d be lying if I didn’t say that I have a really good feeling about this one.

Pick a man that you can see has a desire to pursue you until his death. Pick a man who, though his flesh tries to lead him elsewhere, will cling to the Word and the promise of purity.

Which leads me to another soap box.

The caliber of man that you chose to live your life with will also dictate the caliber of men that you have continue your family’s name. I know we aren’t in the 20^th century anymore, so I’m not talking about family lineage and marrying into royalty. I’m talking about making a name for your family. Be the family that people see Christ in. Be the family that prays together, has game nights, and has a PRESENT father. Pick a man who desires to be that father.

Many men have broken pasts and they want to be the father that they never had. But that does not come naturally. They should get counseling. They should be prepared to accept their faults and not expect perfection. They should be ready to do some dirty work at fixing the mess that their father left behind. Why? Because it’s a MESS.

The feeling of being unwanted leaves scars that never truly heal. Perhaps your father (or mother) never wanted anything to do with you. They don’t care who you have become, or what you are doing with your life, or what ever happened to the parent that WAS involved in your life… Or whoever your guardian was. Maybe your parent tries to be present in your life, but every word is a sting that they don’t know they are giving you. Perhaps they have no idea how to communicate, and with every word or joke they break you just a little more. Or, perhaps you did have two present parents, but they are divorced and you travel between each one, short distances between each other but the gap is deafening. You must divide yourself, choose different types of emotions and responses based on the company that you are in… You have become so good at being who they want you to be, that you forget who you really are. And you don’t even know if who you really are would be accepted by either side.

No story is more painful. No story is “Better” or “Worse”. It’s still painful. It still leaves you gutted on the floor, not knowing what to do or how to be. But you slap on a brave face. Say “it doesn’t hurt”, and move on… All the while you are continuing on with your family lineage. Brokenness. Pain. Dysfunction.

So, let’s change it up a bit. Let’s pray for our future spouse, or send good vibes their way if you’re not the praying type. Let’s plan for a healthy family… Though it will never be perfect, you can at least try for healthy chaos. Good conflict.

And choose a good man of good caliber, for goodness sake.