I knew that today would be like this. The studio is closed to due to weather, I have no money, and I refuse to drive. I considered walking to the coffee shop to get some homework done, but figured that the shop would either be closed, or I would be the only patron in there--and I did not want to be the reason the barista stayed later than she would have if I had not been there. My neighbor invited me to go hang out with him and run some errands until he had to work, but I passed. I have quite a bit of homework to get done, and I would rather lock myself in my apartment and get it done than be outside in the cold wishing I was inside doing homework.
But, as I'm sitting here figuring out how to write my second paper, I realized that if Joseph and I were still together I would be at his place right now. The studio announced that it would be closed today last night, so if I were still with Joseph I would have high-tailed it to his place last night and spend today with him. His daughter's school got out early today, so if I had been there I probably would have picked her up and brought her to the house. We probably wold have had hot chocolate and waited for Joseph to come home from work. Then, we would have had dinner, watched a movie, and went to sleep.
I almost cried thinking about it, and then I decided to NOT allow myself to cry. What else would have happened? Would Joseph and I have fought once again, for the thousandth time? Today makes a week since I asked him to not contact me, and he has respected my wishes. A week. In our relationship of three months, we had countless fights. How many fights does that mean would have happened in the last seven days if we were still together? At least four. And at the rate we were going when we broke up, maybe more. Maybe one argument a day. Or two. Who knows. All I know is that I am so glad I am out of that nightmare.
How can something with so much potential go bad so quickly?
Do we all pretend to be someone we are not when we start a new relationship?
Maybe that's just what everyone does. We make ourselves look really good at the beginning, and then as we open up we pray that the other person still likes us afterwards. I'm guilty of it. I act totally interested in football so that the guy will think that I am the type of girl that will be all about watching football with him. And truthfully, I AM. I will absolutely watch football if it's what the guy wants to do. But every game? No. Does that make me a liar? A fraud? Do we all act a little more lenient with things at the beginning of a relationship?
All I know is that I never thought I could truly care about someone like I did Joseph. I was smitten and head over heels and just freakishly happy with him, but now looking back it wasn't HIM. I was happy with the idea of him, the person I thought he was-- the person he made himself out to be at the beginning of the relationship.
So, we're not together anymore. I'm single.
I didn't have a New Year's Kiss (because we were fighting), and I won't have a Valentine.
I don't have a guy to come home to and snuggle up with when it's cold outside, and I don't have a beautiful little girl asking me when her daddy and I will get married.
But you know what I DO have? I have a ton of more time to do my school work and pursue my dreams. I have a wonderful, supportive family and some incredible girlfriends that will listen to me say the same things over and over again until I feel better. I have some guy friends that will cheer me up when I'm down. And I have a great job and boss that make every day matter. And even though it breaks my heart to no see Joseph's daughter anymore, I have over a hundred dancers at the studio that smile at me as they come through the door of the studio.
And for that, I am thankful.
So today, I have made the decision to be okay alone.
Why? Because this isn't a permanent thing. This is a season in my life.
So, I'll light a scented candle, pour myself a glass of wine, get my schoolwork done, and enjoy being by myself--and with Cleo, of course.
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