New Idols... Already!

Before I met Shaun, I was in a season of singleness for roughly three months. I had given my desires for a boyfriend to God, and had completely submerged myself in reading the Bible. I started to understand what it meant to trust God with the desires of my heart. Even if it meant I would be single, I had come to a place where I was content in whatever was God’s will.

Now that I’m with Shaun, I see how valuable that season of my life was. Even though I have my emotional moments, I am usually able to remain level headed. I don’t lose my marbles when we have separate plans. I don’t cry my eyes out when he falls asleep without texting me “Goodnight, I love you” (He usually doesn’t go to sleep without texting me that—he’s so good to me!). I’m able to feel independent and content in my own skin, with or without his constant attention.

The other day, however, I realized that I’d placed my identity on a new idol. While I was thankful for being able to not put Shaun and our relationship on an idol, I was oblivious to the fact that my education and my career path had taken place as an idol. My identity had slowly become put in what I was in school for, what was going on in school, how I was doing in school. While grades have never been my priority, learning and gaining experience have been very important to me. When I had to take the summer off, I was humbled but it seemed to only fuel the excited flame of education, and my plan to graduate in May. I had an internship site in place for the fall, all of my classes were lining up, and my financial aid was approved.

Over the past few months I have been able to remain relatively level-headed when any situation arose with Shaun, but I have found myself completely panicked by any type of hindrance in my education. This time last week my supervisor at my internship told me that she didn’t think that I should continue my internship at the site. She cut my hours, thinking that I would just do the requirements for the class I was currently in, and that would be it. What I was doing for 20 hours in two days, was suddenly shrunk down to 5 hours in one day. I not only felt like an inconvenience, but I felt very small and very confused. What usually would have been a 12-13 hour day at my internship, I suddenly had a whole day free, and I didn’t want to do anything. I didn’t want to leave my apartment; I didn’t want to shower; I didn’t want to get out of bed. Shaun came over and watched some TV with me, and held me while I cried off and on all morning. I ranted to him about the fact that I moved to Virginia FOR school, and now here I was at risk of not being able to graduate. Here I was at risk of being bumped back yet another year. I feel pathetic for being a 25 year old woman who was living off of student loans and a minimum wage barista job. I felt stupid for thinking that I was smart enough to get a Master’s. And I felt so ridiculous for not considering the future while I was planning my classes. While I was happy that I had made the move and met the man of my dreams and some really great friends, I was devastated. I thought maybe God was trying to tell me that this was not what I was supposed to be doing.

I started reading my Bible again. I started praying again. I cried, yes. I pouted, yet. But I was reading my Bible. I was praying.

I went to class and couldn’t speak. I burst in to tears and wiped my eyes with my shirt sleeves and sipped on my chai tea, trying to keep my chest and stomach from jumping every time I took in a sobbing breath. Everything was falling apart, and I didn’t know how to stop it—No one was helping me. I felt completely alone. During the class, one of my friends spoke about the hindrances she has been experiencing in her internship. But she didn’t burst in to tears. She smiled, nodded with confidence and said, “You know, God must plan to use me for something really great. Why else would I be met with so much resistance?” I choked on my own self-pity. WOW. How true is that?!

I went to bed that night praying for God to give me peace and show me what His plan was. Show me if I was doing what He desired. The next day I found out that I passed my Comprehensive Exam.

Last night I said a nice long prayer, praying for God to give me contentment and peace in whatever came of my internship. Knowing I had to be back there tonight, and knowing I wanted to confront my supervisor in hopes that she would reconsider and let me accumulate hours, I prayed for peace in whatever outcome.

Just as I had prayer for peace in my singleness, and found it, I have received peace in this. I still tear up at the disappointment and confusion I feel. I still feel a little unwanted and inadequate. But there’s something to learn from this experience. I just received a less than stellar response to my confrontation, and I shed only one tear, quickly wiped it away, and started typing this out. I guess I needed to remind myself that God has a purpose for my life. My identity is NOT in this educational experience. Just like my value is not dependent on the attention of Shaun, my value is NOT dependent on my education.

I will get where God intends me to be, and I will have a great stories to share with others when I get there.