The Gut-Feeling

The gut. 

The pudge you can't seem to get rid of no matter how many times you skip on ice cream nor how many hours you spend at the gym.

The gut is also the home of a very particular feeling. The gut-feeling. The sudden intuition that something is going to go amazingly well or horribly wrong. 

Most of the time for me, I get a gut-feeling that something is not going to work out. Specifically in my dating relationships. 

I like to think that I have a pretty good intuition. I'm not always good at telling if someone is a good person, but I am usually pretty good at knowing if something is going to end. The other thing that is sometimes more of a curse than a blessing is my inability to lie. If I'm feeling something, it's written all over my face. I have to talk about it.I have to get it off my chest. I cannot pretend. 

I have heard "You completely blindsided me" way too many times to count. How do you NOT blindside someone when they think everything is going fine, and you suddenly tell them that you have a feeling that it's not going to work, and you can't pretend that the relationship is going somewhere when it's not?

Another one I have heard is: "You're an ice queen with an icy pitchfork that you stab in the hearts of innocent men." Yes. He even wrote it in a letter.

I think the most hysterical part is that throughout the entire relationship the guy will constantly tell me how incredible I am. Once, I was even referred to as an angel. And you know what? It's so entertaining to see the sudden shift from being referred to as something so sweet to being the worst possible person on the planet. From an angel, to a heartless woman who was only using him to get to his best friend. Really? Please.

It has been exactly a year since I broke up with a guy. This particular guy came to my apartment early one morning and brought me Chickfila. We ate it and watched a movie and I did homework. Somewhere in that span of time, I started to feel like I couldn't breathe. I wasn't happy anymore. He wasn't who I imagined me spending my life with. I could not say that I loved him again, because I knew that I no longer did. I remember he fell asleep on the couch and I hopped in the shower to get ready for work, and when I came back out dressed and with wet hair, he sat up and smiled at me. All I could say was, "This isn't going to work." 

That same weekend I met the man that I would devote the next four months of my life to, and convince myself that I was in love with, until he completely shattered me. 

And then, months after that I fall into another relationship, in which HE would completely blindside ME. 

Now here I sit. Once again hearing the words that I thought I would never hear again. I wonder, is there something wrong with me? Will I ever fall in love with a man who will love me back? Or is my life always going to be missed opportunities, men who just aren't quite exactly what I want, and nights spent crying myself to sleep? 

I prayed last night for God to give me a new mindset. To bring me peace. I'm sure the peace is somewhere. Hopefully it will come to me soon. 

Until then I have my friends and my laptop... And of course, fast food and "Eat Pray Love".