New Idols... Already!

Before I met Shaun, I was in a season of singleness for roughly three months. I had given my desires for a boyfriend to God, and had completely submerged myself in reading the Bible. I started to understand what it meant to trust God with the desires of my heart. Even if it meant I would be single, I had come to a place where I was content in whatever was God’s will.

Now that I’m with Shaun, I see how valuable that season of my life was. Even though I have my emotional moments, I am usually able to remain level headed. I don’t lose my marbles when we have separate plans. I don’t cry my eyes out when he falls asleep without texting me “Goodnight, I love you” (He usually doesn’t go to sleep without texting me that—he’s so good to me!). I’m able to feel independent and content in my own skin, with or without his constant attention.

The other day, however, I realized that I’d placed my identity on a new idol. While I was thankful for being able to not put Shaun and our relationship on an idol, I was oblivious to the fact that my education and my career path had taken place as an idol. My identity had slowly become put in what I was in school for, what was going on in school, how I was doing in school. While grades have never been my priority, learning and gaining experience have been very important to me. When I had to take the summer off, I was humbled but it seemed to only fuel the excited flame of education, and my plan to graduate in May. I had an internship site in place for the fall, all of my classes were lining up, and my financial aid was approved.

Over the past few months I have been able to remain relatively level-headed when any situation arose with Shaun, but I have found myself completely panicked by any type of hindrance in my education. This time last week my supervisor at my internship told me that she didn’t think that I should continue my internship at the site. She cut my hours, thinking that I would just do the requirements for the class I was currently in, and that would be it. What I was doing for 20 hours in two days, was suddenly shrunk down to 5 hours in one day. I not only felt like an inconvenience, but I felt very small and very confused. What usually would have been a 12-13 hour day at my internship, I suddenly had a whole day free, and I didn’t want to do anything. I didn’t want to leave my apartment; I didn’t want to shower; I didn’t want to get out of bed. Shaun came over and watched some TV with me, and held me while I cried off and on all morning. I ranted to him about the fact that I moved to Virginia FOR school, and now here I was at risk of not being able to graduate. Here I was at risk of being bumped back yet another year. I feel pathetic for being a 25 year old woman who was living off of student loans and a minimum wage barista job. I felt stupid for thinking that I was smart enough to get a Master’s. And I felt so ridiculous for not considering the future while I was planning my classes. While I was happy that I had made the move and met the man of my dreams and some really great friends, I was devastated. I thought maybe God was trying to tell me that this was not what I was supposed to be doing.

I started reading my Bible again. I started praying again. I cried, yes. I pouted, yet. But I was reading my Bible. I was praying.

I went to class and couldn’t speak. I burst in to tears and wiped my eyes with my shirt sleeves and sipped on my chai tea, trying to keep my chest and stomach from jumping every time I took in a sobbing breath. Everything was falling apart, and I didn’t know how to stop it—No one was helping me. I felt completely alone. During the class, one of my friends spoke about the hindrances she has been experiencing in her internship. But she didn’t burst in to tears. She smiled, nodded with confidence and said, “You know, God must plan to use me for something really great. Why else would I be met with so much resistance?” I choked on my own self-pity. WOW. How true is that?!

I went to bed that night praying for God to give me peace and show me what His plan was. Show me if I was doing what He desired. The next day I found out that I passed my Comprehensive Exam.

Last night I said a nice long prayer, praying for God to give me contentment and peace in whatever came of my internship. Knowing I had to be back there tonight, and knowing I wanted to confront my supervisor in hopes that she would reconsider and let me accumulate hours, I prayed for peace in whatever outcome.

Just as I had prayer for peace in my singleness, and found it, I have received peace in this. I still tear up at the disappointment and confusion I feel. I still feel a little unwanted and inadequate. But there’s something to learn from this experience. I just received a less than stellar response to my confrontation, and I shed only one tear, quickly wiped it away, and started typing this out. I guess I needed to remind myself that God has a purpose for my life. My identity is NOT in this educational experience. Just like my value is not dependent on the attention of Shaun, my value is NOT dependent on my education.

I will get where God intends me to be, and I will have a great stories to share with others when I get there.

When you know, you know...

How many times have we heard that phrase? I remember hearing it a billion times, watching my friends meet the men of their dreams and they would just shrug and say, “Sometimes, you just know…” UGH! That used to kill me! What does that MEAN? I’d think.

My Pinterest board titled “Mr. Right” has over a thousand pins, one of which is a picture of a chalkboard sign that couples display at their wedding, “First date… First kiss… ‘I love you’... ‘Will you?’… ‘I do!’” with the dates beside each monumental moment. One sign caused my heart to jump into my throat. The dates were so close to each other, the first date and the “I do!” being only a year apart. I remember editing the commentaries (you know, the caption that you barely ever change unless it’s full of profanities or grammatically incorrect?) and put, “Love this idea, but the dates for me will be much further apart!” I had it in my head that when I fell in love, it would be a slow process, like thick syrup that you bang on the bottom of the bottle just to get a little dollop on your pancakes.

                I met Shaun while working in the café at Barnes and Noble. He came in regularly, toting his backpack and usually wearing his hair slicked back under a St. Louis Blues ball-cap. My immediate thought was that he favored Harry Potter (He HATES that. Don’t ever tell him he favors Harry Potter!) and that he was really really REALLY attractive.

                Me: “Hi, what can I get started for you?”
                Shaun: “I’d like a grande mocha, please.”
                Me: “Whipped cream?”
                Shaun: “Oh yeah.”
                Me: “And what’s your name?”
                Shaun: “Shaun.”
                Me: “How do you spell that?”
                Shaun: “S-H-A-U-N”
                Me: “Oh, good! You know those guys who spell it with an ‘E-A’? That drives me nuts, because I spell words out in my head as I say them and it just throws me off because I always want to say ‘Seen.’” (I realize how much I’m rambling and quickly turn to the espresso machine.)
                Shaun takes a few steps over so he can talk to me while I make his drink, “Yeah, it’s spelled a little differently than the usual spellings. It’s comes from…” and then he went on, talking about where his name came from.

I could listen to him talk about random information all the time, I thought. But I quickly pushed the thought away, smiled at him and handed him his drink. The rest of his time there he sat at a table close to the café bar, and I’d constantly look over at him. When I’d walk by his table, we’d exchange smiles, but in the back of my head I kept saying: You don’t like him, you don’t like him.
                You see, I’d been out of a relationship for a few months, and was taking some time to really become comfortable in my singleness. I was tired of depending on men to reaffirm my value. I wanted to feel valuable as a single woman of God. I really grew a lot in that time frame, and I was enjoying my singleness. I’d gotten into the habit of telling myself that I didn’t like a guy that I found attractive, as a way to avoid daydreaming about our future together, especially when I didn’t know his last name.

                Shaun came in a few times after that initial meeting, and I would see him around the store. One time he came in to the store while I was working at the bookfloor cash registers, and I had to keep myself from shouting out his name to say hi. The next time we spoke he came in to the café with his friend Wes, and I grabbed a cup for Shaun’s drink and said, “Shaun, right?” He smiled and said, “Yeah! And you are…” he looked at my name tag, “Candice. I’ll remember that.” I made his drink and gushed a little to myself, but quickly told myself I didn’t like him. Little did I know that he went to a table with Wes and said, “I think that girl is interested in me.” To which Wes responded, “Totally.”

According to Shaun, that’s when he started to come in to Barnes and Noble with the intention of seeing me, and sometimes he would, and sometimes he would sit at  table and work on homework  for hours, waiting for me to come in. He was trying to work up the courage to talk to me again when he would see me, but he didn’t get the chance until two days after Easter, when I was covering a 15-minute break in the café. Because I was working on the bookfloor that day, I was wearing a dress with a cardigan. I’d thrown on an apron and whipped my hair in a quick bun, and I nervously moved around the café because we had a big-wig manager there observing. Shaun came up and smiled, “Hey Candice!” I grinned, “Hi! What can I get started for you?” He ordered a multi-grain bagel with creamed cheese and a grande mocha with whip. As I was writing on his cup, writing his name without question, he asked me how my Easter went. I told him it was good, but that I had stayed here and my mom had visited a few days before. He asked me what I was in VA for, and I told him I was in grad school for counseling. He told me he was in the grad program for philosophy. I asked him how much further he had in the program, and then after he answered I went to toast his bagel. I remember closing the griller on the bagel and staring down at my gloved hands, “You DON’T like him.” I mouthed to myself. I looked over my shoulder and saw him standing by the espresso machines, watching me with a smile. I blushed and turned back around quickly. As I handed him his bagel and finished his drink, he asked me how much further I had in the counseling program. I answered his question and started to walk away when he asked, “Maybe we could hang out sometime?” he asked for my last name so we could be friends on Facebook (unbeknownst to me, he’d already found me on Facebook!).

                The independence and comfort I found in my season of singleness has positively affected my relationship with Shaun.  I was able to trust him quickly, because I studied his character and learned about him before getting super involved. Our relationship has moved quickly, but it has been saturated in prayer and constant guidance from God.

                Here are some things about Shaun that are weird and quirky, but have completely affected how I do things:

1.       He likes clean feet.

 

He’s not weird about my feet, but I’m weird about my feet. I’ve always thought they were dirty and crusty and always hated people touching them. He’s never been a feet-person either, but he seems to always grab my feet, give them a nice rub or just let them sit in his lap. Personally, however, he is very very particular about how clean his feet are. Because he plays hockey, he is careful to avoid getting different kinds of fungus or whatever hockey players get on their feet. Since we have started dating, I have tried to keep my toe nails painted and have scrubbed my foot with a pedi-stone almost every day. As a result, I confidently wear sandals, stick my feet wherever I want them to go, and I don’t cringe when he grabs them and gives me a nice foot massage.

 

2.       He always clears out running applications on his phone and iPad.

Before we started dating, I always had a billion applications running on my phone and on my tablet. I actually had NO idea how to shut off the applications that were running on my tablet. (Something he just resolved the other dayJ) After weeks of seeing him closing out an application immediately after he was done using it, I’ve started doing the same. Not as an “I want to be just like him and do what he does” thing, but it is more of a “that’s smart. He’s smart. I’m going to do this too.” And it has become a habit. Just like my feet, it’s a small improvement to my life that can be attributed to Shaun.

3.       He believes there is good in everyone.

During my season of singleness, I went to counseling and learned that I see things in black and white. Either people are good, or they are bad. This is interesting because I want to go into counseling, but I feel like I am able to see the good in strangers, but when I personally know someone and they do something to hurt me, I usually can’t get past it. Shaun, however, sees the good in everyone. Someone upsets him, but he still sees their value as a person, and he gives so many second chances that it’s amazing. Even with me, sometimes I get flustered and I will snap at him, and within 5 minutes I’ll say, “I’m sorry I snapped.” He just smiles, gives me a quick kiss, and tells me it’s okay.

4.       Every belief he has and every choice he has made is backed with a story and reason.

Shaun is a deep thinker who over-analyzes and has to process things to the point of exhaustion… Which I LOVE, because I’m the exact same way. I love that if he made a choice in his youth there is a reason behind it. He has a lesson learned for any mistake he has made. There have been many instances where he’s seen my brow furrowed, and he will know exactly what I am thinking, and I can do the same with him. We get each other. It’s amazing.

5.       He is always willing to spend time with me and makes it a point to show that I am a priority in his life.

In almost all of my previous relationships, I felt like an after-thought; and I felt like my boyfriend was an after-thought. But with Shaun, he is always making time to see me. We can’t spend a day without seeing each other and even then we will talk on the phone and text throughout the day. I always want to see him. I always want to know what he’s doing, and I always want him to know what I’m doing. Every fear and worry that I have he hears and has a solution or a strong shoulder for me to rest on. I just feel like I can curl up next to him and he’ll protect me from everything, including myself. I am my worst critic, and he’s always right there, telling me how beautiful I am. I don’t depend on him to make me feel valuable, but he has become my constant, my biggest fan, and my best friend.

So now that you are adequately sick of this lovey dovey mess, I will conclude it with saying that all of this has been given to me by the grace of God. I fully believe that if I had had not had that time of singleness to really find my independence in Christ, I would not be with Shaun right now. We both had to come to a place where we didn’t NEED a relationship, and as soon as God saw that we were prepared, He put us together.

Therefore… When you know, you know.

An Onion-Scented Season of Singleness

Things with NP and I didn't work out, which I thought I shared but I suppose I didn't.

Around thee end of January was when whatever we had fizzled out, and since then I have been single. There have been a few interests here and there, but for the most part I've just been in a season of singleness, and God is working on a few things.

I have come to the conclusion that this season of my life is like an onion. Every week I feel there is a new layer being peeled back. I declared my singleness to have officially started, ironically, on February 14th, when my main "prospect" (rebound from NP) and I pretty much determined that the prospect was not going anywhere. At this time, I was seeing a counselor who was convinced that I was like Tigger, bouncing around from one relationship to the next. Every week after NP and I ended things, she'd ask me if I was still "clean". I roll my eyes now, but at the time I needed to think of it as an addiction so I would just quit.

The first layer that God peeled back was labeled Being Alone. I feel that this is different from loneliness. Someone who is going through a season of singleness is lonely, point blank. However he or she experiences it, it's still loneliness, because God designed us to experience companionship, so being alone is lonely. Now some of us have been called to live in singleness, and I feel that that can be just as fulfilling as being in a relationship, however you still experience loneliness. Being alone, however, is that feeling of getting off work and realizing that you're going home to cats. You don't have anyone waiting to have dinner with you. You don't have a person to cuddle with on the couch and watch TV with... Just cats. You're alone. For me, it wasn't about talking. It wasn't about being intimate. It was just about having another human body in the apartment. That was a hard week because I was getting home at different times in the day and just sitting there in my apartment and crying.

A few weeks of that passed and I finally became comfortable. I started praying more, finding things that I enjoyed doing around my apartment, crafting a bit, and even talking on the phone with some girlfriends at night to fill the silence. But probably the most important thing (besides praying) that helped was going to sleep at a decent hour. I'm always up too late, sleeping in too late, and just feeling really groggy. Now that I'm single and experiencing a lot of time alone in my apartment, I actually go to sleep at a decent hour. Which means that I get a lot of sleep and wake up at a decent hour, and actually get STUFF DONE in the mornings. It's so cool!

The second layer that God has peeled back and that I am still in currently is the feeling that I am Not Desirable. I got to a point where I was okay coming home to a quiet apartment and doing productive things instead of worrying about how lonely I was. But over the past few weeks I have experienced an immense desire to just talk to someone. To have someone who thinks I'm pretty. To have someone who cares about my day.

In the past few weeks a few prospects have popped up, and I realized that I was starting to rely on them to make me feel desirable. Why didn't he compliment me today? Why I haven't I heard from him? If I were skinnier he would be texting me. If I didn't have this crazy huge nose he would make more of an effort. If I were blonde he would have shown. All of these thoughts and more have flooded my head, and I realized the other day that even if I DID have a boyfriend who was awesome and Godly, he wouldn't be perfect. He would not be able to fulfill every little need I have to feel desirable. You know who's job that is? God's. Do you know who's job it is to believe that I am beautiful and desirable? Me. This is MY problem.

I know these are just two layers, but I am expecting to experience quite a few more layers as God peels back all of the things that are keeping me from truly trusting Him and depending on Him. I shouldn't need a man's approval. I shouldn't need someone being interested in me to make me feel like I am desirable and beautiful. Being desirable and beautiful should be based on the fact that God made me in His image.

The Caliber of a Man

Recently I was at an event and saw a married man checking out my best friend. In the span of 5 minutes, I counted over 10 times that he looked her way, despite the fact that his wife was standing right beside him. Because I know this family and I know that this particular man is not really the best quality, I didn’t cause a big fuss… But it did get under my skin.

I’m never going to get married, I thought. Men are scum. They pretend to love you and then just look for the next best thing.

I was in a blossoming relationship with NP (still blossoming), and I remember wondering if he would ever do that, if he would ever become a man who no longer thought that the love of his life was not so amazing… And turn his eyes to someone else. At one point does that shift over? At one point does the man stop caring about impressing the woman he’s chasing, and stops… and settles in to a drunken stupor?

For some reason, however, I couldn’t imagine NP ever eyeing another woman… Especially when he had a ring on his finger and a vow on his heart. You see, there are different calibers of men. There are the men who end up getting married to a woman who is blinded by lust, or just by naivety that somehow he will grow out of it… OR maybe she doesn’t even realize it. Maybe she herself needs a little bit of work and doesn’t think that she’s in a place to judge.

Either way, he’s ill prepared for a commitment. He’s the type of man who doesn’t value the promise of a lifetime. The promise that he will always love the woman standing in front of him, and the promise that he will always do everything in his power to show her that he loves her. The chase doesn’t end at the altar, fellas. That’s when the chase goes up-hill.

NP, and thousands of other men, are of a different caliber. Many of them are completely in love with God. They desire to make God the focus of their life and the focus of their relationship and marriage. Will things always be perfect? No. Will things always be pure and beautiful and godly? No. Things will get messy. Lines will blur. Temptation will take over. Sometimes, the enemy wins. But, that doesn’t mean it’s a losing battle. It means there is a battle with two imperfect people trying to fervently love a perfect God. Stop making excuses. Your guy is out there… Just WAIT.

I am, in no way, saying that NP is my guy. It’s just been over three weeks. I’ve passed the “three week curse” that my family has dubbed as the death of many of my almost-relationships. But, we passed that curse by the skin of our teeth.

Something interesting that has happened with NP, however, is that in the midst of temptation, we decided to re-evaluate our boundaries and start reading Wild At Heart together. Ladies, have you ever heard the phrase that says that if you follow after God and God desires for you to be with someone, then in your pursuit you will find yourself walking alongside a godly man? Or, something to that extent. Well, I always WANTED that to happen, but I never really thought it would. Being 24 years old, there aren’t a lot of men who are single without children and desiring to have a God-centered relationship. I mean, let’s get real. A lot of men who are nearing the age of 30 have at LEAST one kid, a failed marriage, and/or a serious mental illness…. Or their “rose-colored” glasses have come off and they no longer see the value in maintaining physical purity. No matter the situation, dating only gets more difficult—but there is a happy ending! Anyway, as I was saying… I found myself at a point in my life where I was trying to focus on God, stop settling for men who weren’t worth my time, and figure my life out. I met NP. After seeing him a few times, I went to his place for dinner. And what did I see? A copy of Wild At Heart laying around. He later told me that he listens to it on audio while he drives to different games. Since we have decided to read it together, I have had to catch up to where he is in the book. (I had finished chapter one about a year ago). Today as I was reading a little bit in it, I realized that for the FIRST time, instead of trying to get a man to come up to my level spiritually, I was being challenged to meet NP where he was.

Again… I’m not saying that NP is MY guy… But I’d be lying if I didn’t say that I have a really good feeling about this one.

Pick a man that you can see has a desire to pursue you until his death. Pick a man who, though his flesh tries to lead him elsewhere, will cling to the Word and the promise of purity.

Which leads me to another soap box.

The caliber of man that you chose to live your life with will also dictate the caliber of men that you have continue your family’s name. I know we aren’t in the 20^th century anymore, so I’m not talking about family lineage and marrying into royalty. I’m talking about making a name for your family. Be the family that people see Christ in. Be the family that prays together, has game nights, and has a PRESENT father. Pick a man who desires to be that father.

Many men have broken pasts and they want to be the father that they never had. But that does not come naturally. They should get counseling. They should be prepared to accept their faults and not expect perfection. They should be ready to do some dirty work at fixing the mess that their father left behind. Why? Because it’s a MESS.

The feeling of being unwanted leaves scars that never truly heal. Perhaps your father (or mother) never wanted anything to do with you. They don’t care who you have become, or what you are doing with your life, or what ever happened to the parent that WAS involved in your life… Or whoever your guardian was. Maybe your parent tries to be present in your life, but every word is a sting that they don’t know they are giving you. Perhaps they have no idea how to communicate, and with every word or joke they break you just a little more. Or, perhaps you did have two present parents, but they are divorced and you travel between each one, short distances between each other but the gap is deafening. You must divide yourself, choose different types of emotions and responses based on the company that you are in… You have become so good at being who they want you to be, that you forget who you really are. And you don’t even know if who you really are would be accepted by either side.

No story is more painful. No story is “Better” or “Worse”. It’s still painful. It still leaves you gutted on the floor, not knowing what to do or how to be. But you slap on a brave face. Say “it doesn’t hurt”, and move on… All the while you are continuing on with your family lineage. Brokenness. Pain. Dysfunction.

So, let’s change it up a bit. Let’s pray for our future spouse, or send good vibes their way if you’re not the praying type. Let’s plan for a healthy family… Though it will never be perfect, you can at least try for healthy chaos. Good conflict.

And choose a good man of good caliber, for goodness sake.

Two Years of Stubbornness

When I graduated from undergrad, I graduated from a life where everything was about being involved, and getting everyone else involved. All I wanted to do was spend time with people, talk about God, and dream about my future life. That was undergrad. That was when I was in a nice little box called Methodist University where the outside world only had one entrance and it was guarded with an officer that, in reality, was not physically capable to hold anything dangerous back. But, to me, I was safe. I was involved. I was happy.

Once I graduated, I came back to my hometown an evolved woman. I had this fire that I needed to nourish in order for it to continue to burn, but I couldn't find anything to feed it. There were no Bible studies available to me. No friends saying, "Just come to this discussion. I promise you'll love it!" Instead, I had women saying, "Oh, sorry. The Bible study has already started." or "The book is $12. Oh, you can't afford that because you don't have a job? Sorry, then. Maybe next time." And then, once I found a job, it was on the nights that the Bible studies were available. I found myself in a Catch 22, and then I just gave up. Two years I spent without the fellowship of other Christian women. I had mentors and close friends that I talked to frequently, yes, and I love them for that... But there was something severely missing. Instead of being in fervent prayer, I evolved again.

I evolved into someone that stopped reading her Bible as much, and stopped praying. I condensed my views and beliefs into something that was less offensive, and convinced myself that I was being open minded. I lost sight of a vision for my life, but still continued on the path to my calling. It was like I was still following God's will for my life, but blindfolded by my own sin and ignorance. And of course, since I was doing that "part" right, I convinced myself that I was okay. That nothing needed to change.
I didn't blame myself. I blamed others. I blamed my new community for not being like Methodist.
Ultimately, I didn't like being an adult.

After two years, I moved to Lynchburg, in an attempt to continue to follow God's calling. In all honesty, I felt like I needed a change. Since moving here, I have had the pleasure to meet many amazing women who have opened their lives to me and have wanted to spend time with me. Guardedly, I respond. Patiently, I wait for the next event where I can hang out with them again. I want to be open and see these girls all the time, but my fear of losing it all keeps me from really investing in time with them.

One of my friends invited me out for lunch, and we talked a little about my calling to work with inner city children. That night, she Facebook messaged me and told me about a guy she knows that leads an inner city children's ministry. She linked us up and he gave me some information. The church and the children are literally less than two streets away from me. The community that I have been waiting with baited tongue to spend time with has been, literally, right outside my front door.

I went to the church on Sunday and it was everything that I have been looking for. People from all different walks of life, all there to just praise God. I did not get the chance to really meet any of the children, but I saw a few running around during the service and just felt my heart catch. I knew in an instant that I was in the right spot. During the meet and greet, a woman came up to me and asked for money. When I told her I didn't have any cash on me, she said, "Oh, well. Someone told me to come up and ask you." When she walked away I did a quick assessment of how I looked. I was wearing a cotton black dress with red flowers. I had curled my hair and was wearing red heels. I worked extra hard on my make up that morning, and had picked out some jewelry to match my outfit. I guess I did look like I had money. I didn't blame her for asking.

Before the meet and greet time was over, I noticed a woman bee-lining it straight to me. I recognized the woman from her announcement during the testimony time. She praised God for bringing her 26 year old son to Christ. After shoving past different people, she grabbed my hand and welcomed me to the church. When she found out it was my first time there and I was new to the community, she invited me to the Bible study. I said I would come, but in the back of my head I was just saying, "Yeah right, crazy lady." She gave me her address, hugged me tight, and went back to her seat.

Well, Monday came and my day went along as planned. Yoga, meeting, class. I had plans to hang out with a friend when he got off work around 8:30/9, so I had from 4:30 to then to find something to do. I had reading for class, but... Yeah, that wasn't as appealing as the TV.
I kept trying to think of things I needed to do so that I would have a valid excuse to not go to the Bible study, but I coincidentally didn't have any TV shows recorded that I hadn't seen, and I literally had absolutely nothing to do.
So I went.

An hour later I found myself elbow deep in a conversation with twelve other women about Christ-centered relationships. I looked around the room at women from all walks of life, with tattered bibles, and pens scrambling on journal paper, just like mine. I instantly loved these women, and couldn't believe that I had almost allowed my fear of disappointment to get in the way of this amazing experience.

I need to start getting ready for my day, but I couldn't wait to talk about this any longer!

God is so good.

The Gut-Feeling

The gut. 

The pudge you can't seem to get rid of no matter how many times you skip on ice cream nor how many hours you spend at the gym.

The gut is also the home of a very particular feeling. The gut-feeling. The sudden intuition that something is going to go amazingly well or horribly wrong. 

Most of the time for me, I get a gut-feeling that something is not going to work out. Specifically in my dating relationships. 

I like to think that I have a pretty good intuition. I'm not always good at telling if someone is a good person, but I am usually pretty good at knowing if something is going to end. The other thing that is sometimes more of a curse than a blessing is my inability to lie. If I'm feeling something, it's written all over my face. I have to talk about it.I have to get it off my chest. I cannot pretend. 

I have heard "You completely blindsided me" way too many times to count. How do you NOT blindside someone when they think everything is going fine, and you suddenly tell them that you have a feeling that it's not going to work, and you can't pretend that the relationship is going somewhere when it's not?

Another one I have heard is: "You're an ice queen with an icy pitchfork that you stab in the hearts of innocent men." Yes. He even wrote it in a letter.

I think the most hysterical part is that throughout the entire relationship the guy will constantly tell me how incredible I am. Once, I was even referred to as an angel. And you know what? It's so entertaining to see the sudden shift from being referred to as something so sweet to being the worst possible person on the planet. From an angel, to a heartless woman who was only using him to get to his best friend. Really? Please.

It has been exactly a year since I broke up with a guy. This particular guy came to my apartment early one morning and brought me Chickfila. We ate it and watched a movie and I did homework. Somewhere in that span of time, I started to feel like I couldn't breathe. I wasn't happy anymore. He wasn't who I imagined me spending my life with. I could not say that I loved him again, because I knew that I no longer did. I remember he fell asleep on the couch and I hopped in the shower to get ready for work, and when I came back out dressed and with wet hair, he sat up and smiled at me. All I could say was, "This isn't going to work." 

That same weekend I met the man that I would devote the next four months of my life to, and convince myself that I was in love with, until he completely shattered me. 

And then, months after that I fall into another relationship, in which HE would completely blindside ME. 

Now here I sit. Once again hearing the words that I thought I would never hear again. I wonder, is there something wrong with me? Will I ever fall in love with a man who will love me back? Or is my life always going to be missed opportunities, men who just aren't quite exactly what I want, and nights spent crying myself to sleep? 

I prayed last night for God to give me a new mindset. To bring me peace. I'm sure the peace is somewhere. Hopefully it will come to me soon. 

Until then I have my friends and my laptop... And of course, fast food and "Eat Pray Love". 

Memorial Day DIY

As you all know, I am over-the-moon happy with the way the dresser turned out. Judging by all the Facebook likes and comments, you all are happy with it too! 

So, initially I hated dressers. I felt like they were wasted space. At my first apartment, I had a walk through closet. I hung everything and had a small little drawer on a shelf to hold the -ahem- things that shouldn't be hung. While I've been staying with my parents during this transitional time between apartments, I have been using a dresser in the guest room (Yes, I'm that old. It's no longer my room. My sister took my room. I am now in the guest room.). While planning out how my apartment will be organized, I've come to the realization that I struck gold with the first apartment's closet, and I will probably never have that amazing of a closet again (until I marry a wonderful carpenter who will build me a fabulous closet, shoe rack...and all of my other "Dream Home" pins on Pinterest). So, I caved and asked my mom if I could have one of her dressers. (For those who do not know my family, my mom and my aunt both like collecting furniture that they don't necessarily need. Good for me as I am looking for things to furnish my apartment, bad for my step dad who has to find a place for everything). The dresser that my mom gave me was brown with this glossy mess all over it and I was NOT impressed. She said it was mine to do whatever I wanted with, so I took a trip to Lowes and picked out some funky colors and planned out my Memorial Day DIY project! 

What I used:

-Old Dresser

-Six Sheets of Sandpaper

-Glossy Turquoise Paint

-Flat Turquoise Paint

-Flat Grey Paint

-Screwdriver (to remove and replace handles)

-Stencil for Pattern

-Paint Brushes 

I used the stencil that was used in this AWESOME tutorial:

http://whiletheysnooze.blogspot.com/2012/07/diy-moroccan-style-wall-stencil.html?showComment=1369940262347#c8818117437750828944

For the paint, I splurged and got a gallon of the flat turquoise paint because I knew that I would be painting a lot of things that color (I am obsessed). I purchased the smaller jugs of the glossy turquoise and the grey because I knew I would be using less of that... And holy cow! Paint ain't cheap!

My colors:

Sorry it's upside down. Tried to turn it around and save it a different way, but it wasn't agreeing with me. 

Here it is before I started painting. It wasn't in bad shape or anything. I just didn't like the color.

This was before I started sanding it. I sanded it in order to get it to be a little rough-feeling so that the paint would stick. My mom said that if I didn't sand it, that the paint would not dry properly. So, I sanded it for like, an hour. Needless to say I was pretty sore the next day. 

I painted it the fabulous flat turquoise.

**Important: I painted the flat on top and then went over it with the glossy paint. Flat paint gets dirty and dinged-up pretty easy, so since this was the top of the dresser, I decided to go over it with glossy paint. This was suggested by my genius aunt.**

I saw on Pinterest where some people are painting the sides of the drawers so there's a pop of color separate from the actual dresser. I liked this, but I didn't want it to take away from the design that I was putting on the dresser. So, I went with grey. 

Then I got started on the stencil. This took FOREVER. But, what else did I have to do? Homework? Psh! Whatevs!

I've done this kind of stencil work on a coffee table for my first apartment, and I remember it being so difficult to make sure every line looked the same so it didn't look uneven. One great thing about doing a stencil in the same color is that it doesn't have to be perfect! If I smudged a pencil line, BOOM, I just painted over it. Something that I had to remind myself, though, was to not get too crazy with covering my mistakes. If your project has a glossy smudge completely separate from the pattern, it will no longer look like you meant to do that pattern. it'll just look like you couldn't decide what you wanted to do. So, the moral of the story is that there isn't a lot of pressure to make the pattern PERFECT, but be smart with which paint you're using. If there's a rediculous line where you got mixed up and drew the pattern in the wrong spot, break out the flat paint again and go over it.

The final product:

For the handles I took the old ones and spray painted them with the Stainless Steel paint I bought for another project... 

The other project I did this week was metallic cardboard letters. I wanted "WASH" in my future bathroom and "EAT" in my future kitchen. Some people have said that this is weird, but I like it... And it's my apartment!

The Dilemma: I live about 30 minutes from Hobby Lobby, Joann's, and Michael's. I prefer Hobby Lobby because they are a little cheaper and usually helpful. Well, the only problem was Hobby Lobby was 30 minutes away in it's own little spot, and Joann's and Michael's was 30 minutes in the opposite direction. I called Hobby Lobby to see if they had the cardboard letters, and she said they only had card stock. She had no idea what I was talking about, so I decided to just drive there to see what they had. Can I just say that they have EVERYTHING? Wooden letters, cardboard letters, metal letters. What the heck was wrong with that lady? 

These weren't as big as I was expecting to get, but once I saw the prices I decide they would do. They were 2.99 a piece and then the paint was 7.99. I used Krylon Stainless Steel Paint.

Before:

After:

The lighting isn't too hot in these pictures, but they turned out great!!

:)